How to Win Friends and Influence People - by Dale Carnegie

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'How to Win Friends and Influence People' was a book written by Dale Carnegie in 1936. It was listed as one of the most influential books on Time Magazine and has sold over 15 million copies worldwide. The principles of the book are to help you convince people to your way of thinking, avoid arguments and become more likeable. It's a book that helps you work, communicate and manage better.

Dale Carnegie was born in 1888. Carnegie is a celebrated American author, lecturer and a developer of courses in self-improvement, salesmanship, corporate training and public speaking.

*I must admit that some of the teachings in this book are things I generally already do. There are some teachings that I don't entirely agree with however, maybe in time I may warm to those that I'm currently opposed to.



Summary and Key Learnings

Carnegie discusses 4 key concepts:


  1. Fundamental techniques in handling people
  2. Ways to make people like you
  3. How to win people to your way of thinking
  4. How to change people without giving or arousing resentment



Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

When handling people there are 3 key principles that you need to follow:

1) Don't criticise, condemn or complain
Tip - Be understanding
The first principle is to get to know people, understand what makes them tick. Find out what motivates their behaviour, find out their personality and actions. Refrain from criticising, condemning or complaining about someone. Showing kindness is always beneficial, be tolerant and sympathetic.

2) Give honest and sincere appreciation
Tip - Honesty is everything
Give honest and sincere appreciation. We are all human and enjoy feeling appreciated. When you show someone appreciation and honesty, people will recognise your sincerity. 

3) Arouse in the other person an eager want
Tip - Make them want it too
The only way you're ever going to convince anyone to do something you want them to do, is to make them want to do it. We are stubborn creatures and need to feel motivated to do things. Instead of boasting about ideas you have come up with or things that you need to be done, let others think they have come up with the ideas themselves. Let others feel a sense of responsibility towards it and own it. This will create a drive within them to want to succeed. 





Ways to Make People Like You

There are 6 principles that will help with gaining acceptance:

1) Be genuinely interested in other people
Tip - It's not all about you
In order to make true friendships you have to be there to help others and have a genuine interest in other people. You need to show them they are worth your time and energy, that you can be thoughtful, sympathetic and selfless.

2) Smile
Tip - A simple smile can help lift people's moods and motivate them to smile too. 
Smiling makes you more relatable and approachable.

3) Remember that a person's name is important
Tip - People love hearing their names, it makes them feel special and important.
Take note when people tell you their names and repeat it back to them.

4) Be a good listener and encourage others to talk about themselves
Tip - Actively listen and be genuinely interested
Express your attentiveness by asking questions about the topic the other person is discussing. Encourage them to delve deeper into the conversation. People love to talk about themselves, they don't often need a lot of prompting, just give them the opportunity and listen.

5) Talk in terms of the other person's interests

6) Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely



How to Win People into your Way of Thinking

To encourage others into your way of thinking there are 12 principles to follow:

1) The only way to get the best out of an argument is to avoid it
Carnegie explains that 90% of the time arguments don't end well and results in both parties convinced they are more right. It's rare that an argument comes to a resolution. In the end people get fed up which leads to nothing changing.

2) Show respect for the other person's opinions
Tip - It's important to remember that everyone is entitled to their own opinions and it's important to never tell someone they are wrong. Even if you disagree with the other person, don't tell them as this is only going to rile them up. Remain diplomatic, this will make it easier to get your point across.

3) If you are wrong admit it
Tip - If you are wrong admit it quickly and emphatically as possible. Being honest is a trait that everyone admires and by admitting you are wrong, people will respect and trust you. If you instantly put up a defence then you're only going to look bad. 

4) Begin in a friendly way
There are 2 ways of approaching a new situation or a new person which is to be friendly, warm and welcoming or you can be cold, unfriendly and unapproachable. People are more likely to respond the way you want them to if you are friendly and kind. 

5) Get the other person saying "yes, yes!"
The aim of the game is to get the other person to say "yes, yes!" immediately. Carnegie refers this to "Socratic Method". Socrates prompted his rival with a question that he knew they would have to agree and would continue in this way, one question after another. In the end the rival would find themselves agreeing to something they never intended to. 

6) Let the other person do a great deal of talking
Humans love the sound of their own voices. It's important to listen patiently, sincerely and be genuinely interested so the other person feels comfortable in truly expressing themselves. 

7) Let the other person feel that an idea is theirs
Tip - Don't be the person who constantly has all the ideas and opinions and tries to force them onto other people.

8) Try to see things from their point of view
In everyones minds, everyone is right. Try to understand others and see what makes them tick. 
Tip - Find out what has lead them to that view point. Put yourself in their shoes, take on their experiences.

9) Be sympathetic to their opinions and desires
Tip - If someone explains a tricky situation they are in, the best way to respond is to tell them that you understand the way they feel and if you were in their position you'd feel the same way. Make them feel as though they are not alone and be sincere. 

10) Appeal to the nobler motives
Tip - When considering new people, it's best to assume they are honest, upfront and truthful. 

11) Dramatise your ideas
Tip - Unfortunately with media saturation people are now accustomed to expect drama and the truth is not enough to impress. Carnegie encourages to expand on the truth, make it dramatic, vivid, interesting and act as if you are telling a wonderful story. This is how you'll sell your ideas. Make everyone visualise what you are trying to sell. Sadly people are more likely to buy into the idea than if you simply stated the basic facts. 

12) Throw down a challenge
As humans we have a love for the game, the competition, the challenge to prove ourselves. "The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win. That is what makes foot-races and hog-calling and pie-eating contest. The desire to excel. The desire for a feeling of importance."




Be a Leader: How to Change People without Giving or Arousing Resentment

There are 9 principles on how to change people without arousing resentment and how to be an effective leader:

1) Begin with praise and honest appreciation

2) Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly
Tip - If you can be indirect with discussing a mistake, a person who is sensitive will accept it better and learn. Direct criticism works on some people but the majority are afraid to hear it.

3) Talk about your own mistakes before criticising other people
Tip - Phrase mistakes in a way that you can see why they made the error, frame it in a way that it's something you yourself have done in the past. Carnegie believes that this is a successful approach in convincing someone to change their behaviour.

4) Ask questions instead of giving direct orders
Tip - In order to get people to accelerate their work, explaining a situation to your staff and asking them what they think is the best way to approach this.

5) Let the other person save face
Nobody likes to feel shame and there's no need to shame another person, you'll only damage their ego. Regardless of how wrong they are you don't want to affect their sense of self and pride.

6) Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement

7) Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to
Tip - Lead by example. Give people a reason to look up to you and give them the desire to want to live up to your reputation.

8) Use encouragement, make faults seem easy to correct
Tip - If someone is at fault, you should never directly tell them as this will only destroy their desire to improve. Instead encourage them and make it seem as though the situation is easy to fix and it's something that they could do themselves. This will make them feel supported and encouraged. They will go above and beyond to fix the situation.

9) Make the other person feel happy about doing the thing you suggested
Tip - Make the other person feel happy about doing something. If they are happy they are more likely to proceed and do a good job. Get them excited and inspire a little passion.


About Post Author

Hi, my name is Christine Calo and I'm a designer by trade who has an engineering background. I have an interest in design, technology and science which I like to read, watch and write about from time to time. This blog contains random ramblings of these topics and may tangent off to other topics. Want to say hello, you can contact me on: calo.christine@gmail.com

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