Sizing People Up - by Robin Dreeke & Cameron Stauth

/
0 Comments


Former FBI agent Robin Dreeke shares his simple toolkit for assessing who you can trust and who you can't. Dreeke has worked for two decades as a behaviour analyst in the FBI, through that experience he has developed a knack for reading people, their intentions, their capabilities, their desires and their fears. This book is a manual to be able to quickly and easily determine who you can trust and who you can't. It helps readers to determine who is likely to deliver on promises and who will disappoint, and when a person is vested in your success versus when they are actively plotting your demise. 

So much of your success, from your career to your family life depends on being able to differentiate between people you can trust and people you can't. This book teaches the subtle behavioural signs the people around you are giving off and how you can read those signs to make better decisions about whom to trust. It teaches you how to gather data that really matters about a person, from the language they use to their past behaviour to their personal appearance. You'll learn to look beyond the obvious to the hidden and reveal the true inner character. This is a how-to-guide to decide which people you should never let go and those you should keep at a distance.


Key Learnings

  • The three personality traits of emotionally unstable people
  • Why you can't trust someone who can't apologise
One of the most predicable things about human beings is that we will almost always act in our own best interests. This might sound selfish, but doing what's right for us is also healthy and necessary for our survival. So when you're trying to determine how someone will act in the future, think about that they want. Then you'll know how they will behave.


People's behaviour can often be predicted by their circumstances

When you're trying to predict how someone will act towards you, consider how much immunity do they have from the consequence of their behaviour. It's often said that power tends to corrupt, sadly this tends to be true. When someone has a lot of power, perhaps in the form of wealth or high status position, then they have the freedom to behave badly. The reason for this is, the are protected from the consequence of their behaviour. It's harder to predict how a powerful person will behave because in many situations they can do whatever they like.

The flip side it's easier to predict the behaviour of someone who is highly vulnerable. A vulnerable person is easier to punish when they break the rules, so they often feel they must behave a certain way and that makes their actions more predictable.

To accurately size someone up, bear in mind how long your relationship with that person is likely to last. This matters because, in shorter relationships, people are more likely to behave badly because they won't be around to face the consequences of their behaviour. On the other hand, a longer relationship leaves a lot more time for them to be either rewarded or punished for their actions, so thee is a stronger incentive to behave well. 

Intuition is unreliable, it usually means we trust those we like and distrust those we don't which is not always accurate. Intuition can't predict behaviour.


Put your trust in those who believe that they win when you win

It's important to identify those individuals who believe that your success is their success too. These people will go to great lengths to help you achieve things. They will shield you from negative outcomes and identify ways to further your interest. 

  1. Look out for people who are happy to adapt their working style to fit yours and who are willing to work at your pace. They're showing you that they will inconvenience themselves to help you reach your full potential.
  2. People who are invested in you are willing to do you favours, even when you don't ask for them. Interestingly, helping you out actually makes them even more disposed to like you. The reason for this is, disliking someone after helping them creates cognitive dissonance (Benjamin Franklin Effect). This is the uncomfortable sensation of behaving one way and feeling a different way. People tend to try to avoid cognitive dissonance. So, if a person helps you, that person's feelings toward you will also improve.
  3. It's crucial to identify the people who do not think that your success is their success, especially in the workplace. It you're working for someone who isn't invested in your future, it might be time to consider seeking new professional opportunities.

You can't trust someone who doesn't trust you

Human relationships often boil down to one simple question, 'Can I trust this person?' But if you want an accurate answer, then you're going to have to ask yourself something else too: 'How much do they trust you?'

First try to put your ego aside during conversations. When we see someone displaying egotistical behaviour, it makes us defensive, suspicious and cold. We don't trust self-centered people to be fair to us which makes us behave unfairly toward them. It's the only way to make sure we won't get cheated. So to gain people's trust make them feel as if you're interested in them rather than yourself. Never boast and don't even mention your achievement unless you're specifically asked. Another way to gain trust is to make others feel validated. Once people feel validated they will feel comfortable enough to be their authentic self and trust will soon follow. 

Unsurprisingly we are more likely to trust givers than takers. To boost trust levels in any relationships, try to give other people more than what they expect from you (hmmmm.... not entirely sure about this). Most people remember when their expectations have been exceeded and act generously in return. 


Most of the ways we assess people's reliability are unreliable

Ways to gauge whether a potential recruit is reliable is, instead of exploring their professional history try to get a feel for an applicant's whole life. Someone who is competent and reliable in the workplace tends to be like this in every other area of life too. People who aren't competent on their own time probably won't be on yours either. Pay attention to self-presentation. Unreliable people are often careless with their appearance. When potential recruits seem to neglect personal appearance, they are telling you that they are unhappy with themselves.



One of the best indications of future behaviour is past behaviour

One pattern of behaviour is loyalty. If someone has your back when it would be easier for them to bad-mouth you, that's a sign that you can trust them in the future. 

One negative behaviour pattern that should be a trust deal-breaker is when someone repeatedly gossips to you about other people. 

This is an indicator of underlying insecurity. Insecure people tend to judge others to feel better about themselves. Tread carefully because you never know when you will become the subject of one of their tales. 

On the other hand, a positive behaviour pattern is when someone always walks away when the conversation turns to gossip. This tells you that this person is a healthy, secure person who is not interested in dwelling on the problems or minor flaws of others. They are only interested in having healthy relationships.

Most dangerous behaviour is inconsistency. Be wary of people who constantly behave in unpredictable ways and have a track record of not doing what they say they will. Such people are showing you that they can't be trusted. In a crisis situation there is almost nothing worse than an inconsistent person. 


Trustworthy people use simple language and aren't afraid to apologise

Trustworthy people tend to speak simply and clearly. This is because they are confident and secure in their ideas. They have no need to dress them up with long words or florid sentences. In contrast, untrustworthy people tend to be insecure and will often confuse you with complex language. They do this to conceal a lack of confidence, either in themselves or in their ideas. Also, don't be fooled by people who talk very fast or who are overly smooth. People you can really trust are straight-talkers and don't need a lot of words.

People you can trust also use words like often, sometimes, and frequently, rather than words like always or never.

Look out for people who use this sort of absolutist language because it tends to provoke conflict. In the real world, absolutes are rare and so it's dishonest to frequently use words like "never". Instead look out for people who use more moderate words like "often" or "sometimes". This tells you that they are fairer, more honest and more keen to keep the peace with other people. 

It's also a good idea to keep your distance from people who can't fully apologise for their mistakes. Errors is part of being human. Trustworthy people can shoulder blame, apologise and move on. Whereas untrustworthy people will become defensive. 


Emotionally unstable people have certain traits that you should look out for

When you're considering placing your faith in someone you'll need to consider how emotionally stable they are. What are their default mindset? 

Emotionally unstable people often have what is a "3-P Personality"
  1. They believe that any hardship they experience is permanent. They can't understand that nothing lasts forever - even misfortune.
  2. They struggle to compartmentalise their life. All problems they face are pervasive, affecting every part of life. You might try to persuade them that they can compartmentalise their life but you can't change their outlook.
  3. They believe that everything that goes wrong is their fault. They personalise every misfortune. Emotionally unstable people also tend to have victim mentality. They can't differentiate between big problems and small ones. In their minds, minor issues spiral into terrifying catastrophes. What's more, fear is a highly contagious emotion. So think twice before you trust anyone who seems to turn small challenges into disasters. 
Emotionally stable mindset is ruled by love, not fear. This loving mindset primarily finds its expression in appreciation. Emotionally stable people are grateful for what they have. No time is wasted with anxiety about what they lack. Stable people tend to be at peace with themselves. They like who they are and as a result, they come across as accepting and pleasant. 

In contrast, emotionally unstable people are usually dissatisfied with themselves. This makes is difficult to form good relationships with them. People who don't like themselves, they don't tend to like anything else either and that probably includes you.



About Post Author

Hi, my name is Christine Calo and I'm a designer by trade who has an engineering background. I have an interest in design, technology and science which I like to read, watch and write about from time to time. This blog contains random ramblings of these topics and may tangent off to other topics. Want to say hello, you can contact me on: calo.christine@gmail.com

No comments :

© Christine Calo 2021. Please do not reproduce without the expressed consent of Christine Calo. Powered by Blogger.

"The hurrier I go the behinder I get."

"The hurrier I go the behinder I get."

Contact

Contact

Search This Blog

Featured Post

The Infinite Game - by Simon Sinek

‘The Infinite Game’ tries to answer the question ‘How do we win a game that has no end?’ The author Simon Sinek describes 2 types of games. ...